A LUCID DREAM

i woke up not tired, but just not wanting to get out of my house. as i was walking around my house doing various things like preparing my dogs breakfast and rounding up my textbooks into my backpack, i kept sincerely asking myself why i just couldn’t stay home and major in netflix. i made myself a cup of black tea hoping i would feel better by the time i got to school. but when my ochem professor asked me how i was doing, i responded by actually telling her the truth. how i wasnt tired, but felt sluggish. after lecture i met up with my ochem classmates, tried to work on some lab assignments, but miserably failed. my mind just wasn’t in the zone. its not like i was dreading working on it, i just couldn’t get myself to actually focus. i took my ritalin at the beginning of lab, and then i somehow managed to get my lab notebook finished in an hour. i got my test results back from fridays ochem exam, and i barely passed with a 68 C-. i just dont understand, i studied and studied for this exam. i missed the bus by just a couple of minutes and then my brother calls to tell me the car has broken down. it literally catched fire by the battery? i feel like crying and acting like a big baby to just making all of these problems go away. but i can’t even utter a single tear. days like these make me wanna drop out of college. but i have to live better than this, i cant let myself or my family down. my classes suck and i don’t see the point into having to take them. i lost my motivation but the only thing that’s keeping me going is my fear of failure. i pray that i get out of work early tomorrow—even though we desperately need the money—because i’m supposed to be working on a sociological analysis instead of writing this. i have a feeling i’m falling back into depression, and i really dont wanna go there. i gained like 20lbs and i cant afford to gain another 20. God please help me. i just wanna be a doctor traveling the world helping other people and giving my paycheck to my mom back home. is that so much to ask for?